Books Saved My Life
Books saved my life.
I don’t mean this as an exaggeration. I was an undiagnosed autistic girl who was uprooted in the third grade and moved across the country. At school I struggled to connect with my peers, and found myself bullied by kids I barely knew, as well as by “friends.” At home I was the child of codependent parents — a narcissistic mother and a loving but weak-willed father — and was subject to harsh criticism, high standards, and emotional neglect.
Nowhere felt truly safe… except the inside of a book.
Books allowed me to disappear, and if I couldn’t be seen then I couldn’t be targeted. I escaped into the pages of A Wrinkle in Time, Redwall, and Animorphs. I ran off to Narnia, Middle Earth, and Fear Street. Lurlene McDaniel and V. C. Andrews and more were travel agents for my young, desperate mind.
When summer break came around each year, my favorite part was the chance to visit the library, bring home a stack of books, and sink into the couch as I devoured them. No getting up early. No classes and homework. Just the sweet, sweet freedom to sit and read all day.
The library itself was quiet and welcoming. While my mom browsed the romance novels, I plopped down on the floor beside the shelf of my favorite authors and shamelessly started reading right there.
Looking back I can see that these books didn’t just give me a safe space. They also taught me what friendship could look like, complete with courage, loyalty, and forgiveness. These characters weren’t perfect. They were often outcasts, and they made mistakes, but they stuck together and took care of each other when it mattered. I could relate to them. It gave me hope for the future, and something better to model my expectations after.
I mean, if a group of kids (and an alien or two) who had nothing in common could become friends, then maybe one day I could have real friends, too. Not to mention, if Meg Murray and Bilbo Baggins could save the world, then maybe there was something of value in me.
So when I say that books saved my life, I’m saying that they kept me afloat when I felt like I was sinking. I’m saying that they were a light when it all looked dark. I’m saying that on my worst days when I thought about quitting, books kept me going.
These days I’m still the awkward, quirky girl who isn’t always at her best in social situations, but I’ve learned to “own it” and just laugh sometimes. I love and embrace myself, and I’ve found others who love and embrace me, too. Just as I am.
So even though my youth was difficult to navigate, my life today is filled with so many incredible friendships and experiences that I feel as lucky on that front as any main character.